Where Do We Go From Here? (It's [Not] Clear)

I posted something on Facebook recently about not being a mom, and in my typical fashion I was super sarcastic.  It didn't exactly work the way I wanted it to and got a bit out of control, which is Facebook in a nutshell.  Apparently I offended several people, and while that was certainly not my intention, it honestly frustrated me even more.  In trying to express the difficulties of being a single, childless woman in a married and child filled culture, I was told that I was misinterpreting comments, or taking things the wrong way. 

I suppose a lot of things in life are subjective, but as a natural [wo]man I am predispositioned to dislike certain things or become overly emotional over others.

Tonight, I've becoming overly emotional.  In fact after I share this post on Facebook I think I need to stay off of Facebook for awhile.  Tonight I'm going to bare my soul for a bit on the internet to the few people who read my blog.  And I hope and pray that the of others out there, who are going through similar situations, someone can know that they are not alone.  

My heart is aching right now.  I've had a lot of training (professional and self taught) in mindfulness, positive psychology, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  I'm used to processing situations and for the most part I'm able to look at all the wonderful blessings I have in my life, and for all that the Lord has given me and helped me achieve.  But there are moments, terrible moments, when hope disappears.  I had one such moment a few weeks ago at church.  It took me a few days to fully recover and remind myself of what I have and stop focusing on what i don't.

Tonight, surfing Facebook, I had another surprise, gut-wrenching feeling.  I'm not sure if turning 31 last week is encouraging my vulnerable feelings, but it happened out of the blue.  Sitting on my couch watching Friends during a thunderstorm (two of my favorite things), I saw some things that made me feel worth less.  (Someone mentioned that in Sunday School last week and I'm going to borrow it.)  Not worthless, but worth less, that I am not as important as most people in my circle, in my area, in my ward, in my culture.

A few months ago my parents ran into someone from my ward (church unit) and as they always do, they introduced themselves, said they had a daughter in that ward.  The person they met had no idea who I was.  I'd introduced myself to this person and spoken with them on several occasions; they were in close proximity to me on a regular basis for awhile.  On top of that my ward isn't exactly big.  But my ward is full of young married couples.  Many of them are students, and come and go regularly.  So here I am, a member of the ward since it was reorganized, and to this new person, I'm a nobody. 

I don't want to get into specifics and I've rewritten this so many times that I feel like I'm not making sense anymore, but I don't want this directed at anyone.  I don't want charity case comments saying you feel sorry for me or your old roommate's best friend's sister had the same thing happen. 

Today I want people to know that it hurts to feel that you are worth less.  And I don't know that you can or should change anything.  Maybe it's just me, and I'm overreaching by thinking that I could belong in a family ward filled with people my age.  

I've felt hope less and I've felt worth less in the past few weeks, and I feel like I need to make some changes so that doesn't keep occurring.  I love being part of a community but maybe my ward isn't that community for me.  And that breaks my heart.  I love my young women.  I love seeing so many familiar, kind and friendly faces.  I love the growth that I'm continuing to be able to achieve.

I don't love sitting by myself.  I don't love watching married couples create cliques and throw parties while I binge on Netflix after a hard day at work and an evening dealing with church callings, taking another step closer to becoming a crazy cat lady.  I don't love being part of a community for years and then replaced in an instant by someone who can "relate" better.

I don't love being lonely.  I don't love wondering if anything will every change for me in my family life.  I don't love feeling like I missed the boat, that I'm behind everyone else in the gospel because I don't have my own family.  I don't love watching people 12 years my junior getting married and having children.  And I really don't love it when people tell me "it'll happen" or "your time will come".

I don't know what the solution is, and I don't like putting something out there without a resolution or hopeful ending of some kind, but I'm not feeling a whole lot of hope right now.  It's weird, because I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious (rare, but it happens), I'm just sad.  Regular old heart twisting, disappointment filled sad.