The One

For the past 2 years I have been learning sign language through a church class.  While I consider the teacher a friend I don't think that changes the situation in any shape or form.  There are others who come periodically and some who come for part of the class, but by and large I've been the only one who has consistently attended.  And often, I am the only one in the class.  But week after week, she still teaches; because it's her calling, because she's knowledgeable, and in my opinion because she's passionate and she cares enough to help others learn.

In St. Matthew chapter 18, Jesus taught that "...if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?"

Do we really care about the one?  Do we group people together and make assumptions so as not to allow any thought?  Do we spend more time paying attention to attitude versus content?  Do we ignore feedback because we don't want to admit that we may have made a mistake?  Do we push our interpretation of policy over the importance of people?  Do we give up on teaching, on planning events because we don't think "the one" is worth it?

I think we do, myself included.  I am sincerely struggling right now with a situation where people who are supposed to care are, in my opinion, being extremely stubborn.  And I would know, I'm awfully familiar with that character flaw.  In fact is starting to come across as "us versus them" to the point where we are creating enemies where there must be friends.  

In the past few weeks I've watched this particular situation escalate to the point where I'm ready to remove myself completely.  As I've wrestled with this dilemma I vacillate between keeping my anxiety down by leaving and staying to show those who don't feel anyone cares that I care.  I still haven't made up my mind but I keep going back to the principle of the one.  

If I stay, and become extremely stressed and uncomfortable before an extremely stressful and uncomfortable chorale practice, would I possibly help the one?  Would my sitting beside someone, or telling them I'm happy to see them, change the way they feel? 

Or if I leave, do I help send the message that others aren't paying attention to the one?  Would my absence (noticed because of my forced musical responsibilities, not because of my own worth) signal that a change is needed?  Am I selfish for wanting be the one in this situation, the one who is leaving, the one who needs attention?

Yesterday, after giving a presentation to a particularly tough crowd, I was talking to my supervisor and started to worry that I created a tough crowd when others were presenting in our staff meetings.  To be honest we get a little goofy during staff meetings, so it's not likely, however I know I've been annoyed by visitors or people's comments before and I don't have a poker face outside of working directly with my clients.

It reminded me of the platinum rule:  treat others the way they want to be treated.  Am I obeying this?  Probably not.  

I unintentionally upset someone and apologized for the way I came across.  Their response?  "Well, it's good that you apologized."  Um.  So after I cried and resolved to stay away from her (the vacillation escalated at this point, in case you wanted to know), I started thinking about the way I would have responded.  There is no way I would ever say anything like that.  Ever.  

But I stay some dumb things, and I put my foot in my mouth on a regular basis.  So I'm resolving to be better. That's my new goal; to think about the one, to think about how others might feel from their interactions with me.  And to search out for the one, and focus on how I can return them to feeling the love they deserve.