Everybody Talks, Babe

We've all heard the cliches: 

"Actions speak louder than words."

"Do as I say not as I do."

"You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?" 

I've been processing for awhile how I was going to compile my thoughts for this next post.  And if you know me well enough or have anxiety you understand what a challenging task that is.  Half the time I can't even finish my sentence before a new thought pops in, and even when I'm not talking there's usually a song, a movie quote, a memory, a worry, AND a nagging concern swirling through my head at once, whether I'm occupied or not.  I say that because it pretty well describes the ideas I've had about this post.  

Yesterday I was a bit out of it at work, didn't get enough sleep and had a long very busy week.  At one point, after mixing up names about 9 times during one supposedly brief explanation, my coworker told me to think before I talked anymore.  He said it with kindness, and it was interesting to think about it from that perspective.  Usually it's said because you're being mean or inappropriate.  But there's a lot of gray area in life.  So maybe I should think more before I talk to avoid being offensive or insensitive to others.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not PC nor will I ever be, and I don't believe in tiptoeing around the truth. 

However there's a lot to be said for considering your audience when you speak.  Or considering whether or not you have all the facts.  To make a point to the former: it may not be a good idea to complain how about exhausted your kids make you to someone struggling with fertility problems. Continuing with that it may not be a good idea to comment on someones family planning choices when you don't know if they've struggled with fertility problems or have other concerns before they start their family.  Even when you may think you have all the facts, there are still feelings, and requirements, and all kinds of grayish things that cloud what appears to be a clear picture.

For instance, marriage.  (Admit it, you were waiting for me to comment on that).  

I want to clarify before I share this that I have forgiven the woman for saying this, and I appreciate what she has done and continues to do, although I now choose not to discuss my personal life in any way shape or form with this individual (you live, you learn).  

A few years ago I was still serving in the Oak Grove Branch, and I had 4 callings.  I was in graduate school full time and still working full time.  Yes it was hard, but honestly I function better when I'm busy; it distracts me and let's be honest, when you don't have a family of your own you have a lot more free time.  I ran into this Sister after Sacrament Meeting in my parents ward when I was visiting one Sunday.  She's of a more "mature" age and taught me when I was younger, so she did the normal (well southern normal) thing and asked me how I was and what I was up to.  I responded honestly with the things listed above, to which she replied "I guess you're just too busy to get married!"

Wow!  That's it!  I'm so glad you told me that, now I will stop educating myself and supporting myself financially and serving the Lord so much so I can devote my life to singles functions!  

No I didn't say that.  I also didn't say, which I'm ashamed to admit entered my mind, "at least I'm active in church, unlike 3/4ths of your children".  Luckily, in this case, I did think before I talked.  In fact I thought so long that she smiled and walked away, probably thinking she had changed my life for the better.  In a way, she did.  Oh, I was pissed for awhile, but now I laugh when I tell that story because it's just so, well, stupid.

 What's particularly stupid about this situation is that I had included my church callings.  President Gordon B. Hinckley passed along his father's advice to forget yourself and go to work.  And I'm pretty sure we've been told the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle.  Which in my case sometimes consists of people saying condescending things about my love life or lack thereof.  

But what about actions?  In this case I truly feel like my actions justified me more than any words I could have said, and maybe I was given a stupor of thought so I didn't add to the ignorance of the conversation.  This woman's actions in her life should speak louder than words, and I've been able to let go because I know her words were not intended to hurt, and her perspective is naive.

In fact a lot of perspectives are naive.  The growing trend of single men and women in the church is alarming.  And the differences in gender are staggering:  I attended a Singles Conference last fall where there were 400 women and 100 men.  That's 4:1 people!  A friend of mine stated afterward that she was disheartened, and concerned about how she could ever get married.  And those thoughts are very real.  

So we KNOW it's hard.  And we struggle with with constantly hearing the family mentioned.  But I don't think we need to talk about the family less, and I'm not so vain to think that only my needs should be mentioned at church.  I do, however, think we shouldn't just be a side bar, which often happens. 

Think about what you say.  One of the most annoying posts I regularly find on Facebook starts with "to all you moms out there".  Now sometimes it makes sense; breast feeding is not something I have experience with.  But sometimes it's not necessary; many of us childless people have some pretty significant experience with children and may have tips.  And sometimes it doesn't even make sense, like the one I saw the other day about cleaning.  CLEANING.  I think they should have said to all you "women" out there and gotten a bunch of feminists in a tizzy.

When I see a post that starts that way, even if I have a comment, I don't leave one.  Because I know myself well enough to know that I might say something snide, and I'm also childish enough to think that if you don't think my opinion is good enough you aren't going to get it.  

And then there are actions.  I can't tell you how many things I don't know about because I don't go to playgroup.  It sucks how many baby showers I've been left out of, how many gatherings I don't get invited to, all because I don't have the same situation someone else does.  The other day I heard someone talking about the people that lived in my area in the ward and I wasn't even mentioned. To be vague, let's just say this person is very very aware of where I live. 

I do have friends and acquaintances who frequently invite me to things, and put up with my being too busy to attend sometimes, and I sincerely appreciate their outreach and thoughtfulness.  What's interesting though, is that the majority of those people are not currently married, or were single later in life, or struggled to have children if they have them now.

There's also the complaining, my other least favorite thing on Facebook.  I'm fortunate enough to have been on Facebook since it started with colleges over 10 years ago, and so I have been there done that with whining and passive aggressive posts.  Now, when I have those thoughts, I just post them in my head.  

If you are complaining about your husband, STOP IT.   You have one.  Be thankful, and work out your issues in private.  I can recommend some good counselors if you need one.  

If you are complaining about you children, STOP IT.  You have them!  Be thankful, and deal with your anger in private.  Again, I know counselors.  

Here's another area that pops up constantly, and I'm trying to write this with love, because I truly don't want to offend anyone.  I'm not sure how else to say though because I'm too chicken to say anything in person.  There are a lot of women I know, friends I have, church members, etc., where I have offered to watch their kids, give rides to their kids, watch their houses, give them rides to the airport, et cetera et cetera, where I never get taken up on it.  And then it comes on Facebook, or the mother vents about needing a break.  Hey, I offered.

I want you mothers to know the other side of this.  I want you to know how hard it is not to have your own children.  I want you to know how much it means to be a part of a child's life.  I want you to know how much it means to be able to serve someone else, to forget yourself for awhile.  You have a joy in your life you may not always see that some of us don't have.  And maybe it is too much to ask that you share your children with us, and that's up to you.

But think about your words.  

Are you complaining about something that someone has offered to help you on?  

Do you have all the facts of the situation?  Do you know why someone is in the position they're in?

Do you talk to women who aren't mothers?  Do you invite them to be part of your life?

I was talking to someone a few months ago who said they didn't like being in her ward as much now because there were not enough women with children her kids age in the same area she lives, where their husbands did what her husband did.

Luckily this is another time I knew better than to speak and kept my mouth shut, although I  was too surprised not to hide my incredulity.

I'm trying to work on what I say, and make sure I back up my words.  I wanted to share this with you today so you can hear a different perspective, one that doesn't get shared much in our culture.

Everybody talks, but lets be the people that act, too.