The One

For the past 2 years I have been learning sign language through a church class.  While I consider the teacher a friend I don't think that changes the situation in any shape or form.  There are others who come periodically and some who come for part of the class, but by and large I've been the only one who has consistently attended.  And often, I am the only one in the class.  But week after week, she still teaches; because it's her calling, because she's knowledgeable, and in my opinion because she's passionate and she cares enough to help others learn.

In St. Matthew chapter 18, Jesus taught that "...if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?"

Do we really care about the one?  Do we group people together and make assumptions so as not to allow any thought?  Do we spend more time paying attention to attitude versus content?  Do we ignore feedback because we don't want to admit that we may have made a mistake?  Do we push our interpretation of policy over the importance of people?  Do we give up on teaching, on planning events because we don't think "the one" is worth it?

I think we do, myself included.  I am sincerely struggling right now with a situation where people who are supposed to care are, in my opinion, being extremely stubborn.  And I would know, I'm awfully familiar with that character flaw.  In fact is starting to come across as "us versus them" to the point where we are creating enemies where there must be friends.  

In the past few weeks I've watched this particular situation escalate to the point where I'm ready to remove myself completely.  As I've wrestled with this dilemma I vacillate between keeping my anxiety down by leaving and staying to show those who don't feel anyone cares that I care.  I still haven't made up my mind but I keep going back to the principle of the one.  

If I stay, and become extremely stressed and uncomfortable before an extremely stressful and uncomfortable chorale practice, would I possibly help the one?  Would my sitting beside someone, or telling them I'm happy to see them, change the way they feel? 

Or if I leave, do I help send the message that others aren't paying attention to the one?  Would my absence (noticed because of my forced musical responsibilities, not because of my own worth) signal that a change is needed?  Am I selfish for wanting be the one in this situation, the one who is leaving, the one who needs attention?

Yesterday, after giving a presentation to a particularly tough crowd, I was talking to my supervisor and started to worry that I created a tough crowd when others were presenting in our staff meetings.  To be honest we get a little goofy during staff meetings, so it's not likely, however I know I've been annoyed by visitors or people's comments before and I don't have a poker face outside of working directly with my clients.

It reminded me of the platinum rule:  treat others the way they want to be treated.  Am I obeying this?  Probably not.  

I unintentionally upset someone and apologized for the way I came across.  Their response?  "Well, it's good that you apologized."  Um.  So after I cried and resolved to stay away from her (the vacillation escalated at this point, in case you wanted to know), I started thinking about the way I would have responded.  There is no way I would ever say anything like that.  Ever.  

But I stay some dumb things, and I put my foot in my mouth on a regular basis.  So I'm resolving to be better. That's my new goal; to think about the one, to think about how others might feel from their interactions with me.  And to search out for the one, and focus on how I can return them to feeling the love they deserve.

#relationshipgoals

I've been meaning to write a follow up post for awhile now, and having tried a few experiments and pondered on what I'm looking for in life, I bring you the following;

Seriously, though, I laughed pretty hard when I saw this, because I literally told my sister the other day that I've decided that when I build my dream home I want to have an area where I can foster cats, where I could easily clean and have the smell away from the rest of my house.  

While I plan to just stick with the weirdo below for now, I have been analyzing how I want to move forward with many people, and maybe what I can do to be a better friend and involved in the right ways.

Experiment #1

There's a person in my life whom I've known for awhile; I think we became (friends?) because they knew people in my family before they met me, and due to proximity.  I really felt we were friends at one point, and I've always noticed I probably put too much effort into it, maybe to the point of being awkward sometimes, certainly not an equal relationship.  This person was involved in my gut wrenching feeling mentioned in my last post, and I've felt isolated from them for awhile so I decided to back off.  Bigtime.  I stopped approaching this person, I stopped initiating conversations beyond "hi, how are you?"  I see them on a regular basis, but I decided that if they wanted to be friends they could put in the effort, and we could go from there.  They didn't.  Zero.  Zilch.  And so I've walked away.  I still know them, I still interact with them, but out of necessity, and not with any hard feelings.  Truly.  I simply realized that I was forcing something that mattered to me but not to the other person, and it wasn't worth it.  My feelings and frustrations weren't worth it to this person, and not to sound harsh, but I decided this person wasn't worth my time anymore.  Again, I really don't dislike this person, and I don't think less of them.  In fact, I find myself less frustrated with them and therefore seeing them as just another person, not a former friend.  There is a part of me that's sad, and I miss talking to them and believe they're a great person, but things happen and we need to move on.  I do anyways, I suppose I'm not trying to tell anyone else how to live their life ;).

Experiment #2

There's a woman I've known for about 4 years now, not a friend, but someone I've mentioned in the past in my blogs because of some not-so-nice comments shes made, and her tendency to only be nice to me when cooler people aren't around (yeah too bad that doesn't end in high school).  I don't value my relationship with her, beyond trying to be Christian, but knowing that again, through proximity, I will spend a lot of time around her whether I like it or not, I suck it up and deal with her negative crap.  I struggle because I've felt bad for the things that she has had to deal with, and I've offered to help when she's said she's needed it, and my offers have been met with exaggerated reluctance.  It came to a head recently when I had offered to help her in a certain way several times, and she started to assume that I would continue to help in this way without actually asking.  So I didn't do it when she didn't ask, and she comes in with a passive aggressive comment about something not being done, to which I loudly and proudly stated that I wasn't aware she needed help in this case, and as I've said before, I'm happy to help if she would only ask.  Luckily things have changed so I don't have to deal with her as much, and thus I can return to avoiding her like the plague.  Not very Christian, I know, but staying away from her makes me happy.   

I've been through a lot of changes in weeks since I last posted, and have to prioritize differently and end some relationships and start new ones.  And I've had to adjust to taking on a very different role, one I don't feel qualified for and I struggle every day with.  But it's a growing opportunity, and I've learned where I can be a better leader, a better delegator (lets be honest, a delegator in general, this is not a skill I have at all), and a more genuine person.

I am realizing I don't have to be fake, and I don't have to push things that aren't meant to be, or maybe that were meant to be but don't matter to others.  I am learning that the number of friends I have on facebook or instagram doesn't mean a thing, and I have been hitting the "delete" and "unfollow" buttons with assurance and sometimes downright glee. I don't have to pretend that my acquaintances are friends, I can work on being a better friend.  Because I've lost touch with a number of people through purely my own fault, not following up or checking in when I should.  

Even though I still struggle, and it's still hard, I did what I should have done a long time ago and I took control.  I took control of who I let affect me and hurt me, and while my statistics might not be fabulous, my anxiety over people is lessening, and that's pretty darn nice.

So go ahead, have your fun parties where you exclude people, and form your little mommy cliques, and tell the world how wonderful your hubby is and how hard it is to be a mom.  I'll be over here with my cat.

Where Do We Go From Here? (It's [Not] Clear)

I posted something on Facebook recently about not being a mom, and in my typical fashion I was super sarcastic.  It didn't exactly work the way I wanted it to and got a bit out of control, which is Facebook in a nutshell.  Apparently I offended several people, and while that was certainly not my intention, it honestly frustrated me even more.  In trying to express the difficulties of being a single, childless woman in a married and child filled culture, I was told that I was misinterpreting comments, or taking things the wrong way. 

I suppose a lot of things in life are subjective, but as a natural [wo]man I am predispositioned to dislike certain things or become overly emotional over others.

Tonight, I've becoming overly emotional.  In fact after I share this post on Facebook I think I need to stay off of Facebook for awhile.  Tonight I'm going to bare my soul for a bit on the internet to the few people who read my blog.  And I hope and pray that the of others out there, who are going through similar situations, someone can know that they are not alone.  

My heart is aching right now.  I've had a lot of training (professional and self taught) in mindfulness, positive psychology, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  I'm used to processing situations and for the most part I'm able to look at all the wonderful blessings I have in my life, and for all that the Lord has given me and helped me achieve.  But there are moments, terrible moments, when hope disappears.  I had one such moment a few weeks ago at church.  It took me a few days to fully recover and remind myself of what I have and stop focusing on what i don't.

Tonight, surfing Facebook, I had another surprise, gut-wrenching feeling.  I'm not sure if turning 31 last week is encouraging my vulnerable feelings, but it happened out of the blue.  Sitting on my couch watching Friends during a thunderstorm (two of my favorite things), I saw some things that made me feel worth less.  (Someone mentioned that in Sunday School last week and I'm going to borrow it.)  Not worthless, but worth less, that I am not as important as most people in my circle, in my area, in my ward, in my culture.

A few months ago my parents ran into someone from my ward (church unit) and as they always do, they introduced themselves, said they had a daughter in that ward.  The person they met had no idea who I was.  I'd introduced myself to this person and spoken with them on several occasions; they were in close proximity to me on a regular basis for awhile.  On top of that my ward isn't exactly big.  But my ward is full of young married couples.  Many of them are students, and come and go regularly.  So here I am, a member of the ward since it was reorganized, and to this new person, I'm a nobody. 

I don't want to get into specifics and I've rewritten this so many times that I feel like I'm not making sense anymore, but I don't want this directed at anyone.  I don't want charity case comments saying you feel sorry for me or your old roommate's best friend's sister had the same thing happen. 

Today I want people to know that it hurts to feel that you are worth less.  And I don't know that you can or should change anything.  Maybe it's just me, and I'm overreaching by thinking that I could belong in a family ward filled with people my age.  

I've felt hope less and I've felt worth less in the past few weeks, and I feel like I need to make some changes so that doesn't keep occurring.  I love being part of a community but maybe my ward isn't that community for me.  And that breaks my heart.  I love my young women.  I love seeing so many familiar, kind and friendly faces.  I love the growth that I'm continuing to be able to achieve.

I don't love sitting by myself.  I don't love watching married couples create cliques and throw parties while I binge on Netflix after a hard day at work and an evening dealing with church callings, taking another step closer to becoming a crazy cat lady.  I don't love being part of a community for years and then replaced in an instant by someone who can "relate" better.

I don't love being lonely.  I don't love wondering if anything will every change for me in my family life.  I don't love feeling like I missed the boat, that I'm behind everyone else in the gospel because I don't have my own family.  I don't love watching people 12 years my junior getting married and having children.  And I really don't love it when people tell me "it'll happen" or "your time will come".

I don't know what the solution is, and I don't like putting something out there without a resolution or hopeful ending of some kind, but I'm not feeling a whole lot of hope right now.  It's weird, because I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious (rare, but it happens), I'm just sad.  Regular old heart twisting, disappointment filled sad.  

To the Mom who Wouldn't Sing

I'm going to choose my words carefully today, but I feel more impressed to write a post than I have in a long time.

I see in social media, day in and day out, posts for moms, tips  moms, love for moms.  Well, this applies to everyone, male and female, father and mother, the single, the childless.  But this is in direct response the Mom who Wouldn't sing.  I use wouldn't for a reason; refused seems too strong, but didn't isn't the right word. Because she could have, and chose not to.

So here's what I want to say to you, the Mom on the stage in church to give a talk and, and sat stone faced during each song.

I saw you up there, with your husband, baby safe in the care  loved ones in the congregation.  During the opening hymn, I wondered if you were nervous, understandably, or if you were waiting for your husband to open the book.  Now I didn't watch you the whole time, so forgive me if I missed your participation, but you were right behind the sign language interpreters and I couldn't help but notice your countenance during the songs.  I realize that  we have been singing some unfamiliar songs recently, but these songs didn't fall in that category.

For some reason this bothered me more than usual, and I think it was because I was so disappointed.

Do you know what you missed out on?

Sure, your baby is young, but are you really setting the best example?  I'm sure it can often be hard for moms to look at a hymnal with busy children, but that wasn't the case today, was it?

Your husband was sitting right next to you, and you were both physically burden-less. What a wonderful opportunity to share hymnal and praise God together.

You may have been nervous, but did you know that the breathing you do when you sing, through your diaphragm, helps lower your heart rate?  Not to mention the words in the hymns are written to bring the Spirit closer to you.

Maybe you aren't comfortable singing, feel your voice isn't good enough.  Well, the scriptures say to make a joyful noise. Besides, you're a returned missionary, and I know you know to sing.

Either way, reading and mouthing the words is also an option, and you clearly did neither.

Ultimately, this only impacts you and your baby, and I just need to move on, but as a musician, and as a child of God I encourage you to participate in the whole worship service, which includes singing praises to Him.

The Help Part II

Again it's late and I'm tired but unable to sleep.  Last time it was due to bronchitis and a sinus infection, this time I have an "emergency" dental appointment crammed between two meetings at work tomorrow and I'm anxious.

I appreciate the comments and feedback I got from so many women about my last blog post.  It's helpful for me to better understand what others in different situations go through, and how they interpret or view me and my situation. 

So here's what I found:  people are just rude.  Shocking, right?  But I was a history major, and I was taught to always ask "why".

Someone pointed out to me that when an individual can't control much about their life they may attempt to control others, or control small details that may seem asinine or trite to others.  I needed to hear that after the email I received, as it helped me view the sender differently, and try to understand things from their perspective.  

However, as humans we have a right to be treated with respect.  After so many years of existence my agency as finally put in our "Rights and Responsibilities" that all clients have to sign at application a clause that states the client needs to behave appropriately in order to continue receiving services.  In other words, if you cuss me out over the phone I have a right to end the conversation and not communicate with you again until you can speak appropriately. 

Another comment I received mentioned how some tend to expect or even demand more of others when they feel those people have it all together.  Which is a good point, and I would say to those who are demanding of others, everyone has a different definition of "having it all together".

I believe that it is often hard to say "no" to things when you're part of something, be it a family, a congregation, a company, or a community.  

One of my favorite quotes come from H. Burke Peterson:

There are things for each of you to do that no one else can do as well as you.  If you do not prepare to do them, they will not be done.  Your mission is unique and distinctive for you.  Please don't make another have to take your place.  He or she can't do it as well as you can. 

Again, I can't speak for everyone, but I know that for myself I often feel obligated to take on everything around me that isn't being done.  Plus I'm a terrible delegator and a bit of a control freak, so I get overwhelmed when I should be sharing the love.  But as usual I digress.  

I think it's important to be in tune with the Spirit enough to know when things are your responsibility, and when you can help, and on the flip side realize when it's appropriate to let some things fall to others to take care of.  The end of the quote really brings that home for me:

If you will let Him, I testify that our Father in Heaven will walk with you through the journey of life and inspire you to know your special purpose here.

I still don't know my special purpose here.  I know some things, and when I'm living my life the right way I receive guidance to expand my knowledge and talents in a way to best serve God and my fellow man. 

I recognize some of the talents I have already (yes, including music, you're all thinking it, admit it, but there are others, I promise), and have learned that many of the hardships I have faced in life prepared me to be a better counselor, a better teacher, a better sister, a better daughter, and a better friend.  And maybe, one day, they'll make me a better wife and a better mother.

Regardless, as part of life I need to continue to walk the fine line of being a help to those around me and not letting myself become the help to those who take me for granted.  

The Help

Everything I've learned is screaming at me not to post right now, but I'm tired, I'm ill, I'm frustrated, and by golly I'm motivated.

For those of you who don't know me, I started off with the state agency I work for 7 1/2 years ago as an admin.  I did a lot of secretarial/fiscal work in college and after graduation.  While in this role I decided to go to graduate school, and did so full time while still working full time.  Because of staffing changes around the time I did my practicum and internship I had the opportunity to step up and work with some partners that I continue to work with today in my role as a counselor.  About a year and a half after I became a counselor one of these esteemed partners made a comment to my manager that he felt I was better as a secretary and didn't seem to know how to do my job.  What he really meant is I didn't do my job the way HE wanted me to do my job (which includes condoning unethical behavior) and he's an ornery fellow and I suppose wants to share his misery with the rest of the world. 

I start this way to say this:  in my career with my employer this is the only time I have ever been made to feel below someone else (that I have frequent dealings with) or worthless.  I love my office because we are a team; no one is above anyone else socially despite different backgrounds, different education levels, and different positions.  

I wish I were so lucky at church, though I feel the need to clarify that it is PEOPLE who help me to feel this way, not anything religious.

I just dealt with a demeaning email from someone in my private life who (shockingly) didn't have their facts right and accused me of some nonsense while I am providing a service to them. 

Is it just me, or do people seriously struggle with behaving appropriately in emails?  And not to be a snob about working folk, but it strikes me that the people who seem to struggle the most are in school or retired.  I can't tell you how many obnoxious emails I've received from people at church demanding information or chastising me for a perceived failure.  For all of you, I've got 6 words for ya:

I do not work for you.  

And the people I have worked for, they don't treat me that way.  They don't talk to me that way.  

I wonder sometimes if my marital status has anything to do with it, because let's face it, when it comes to my chosen church social life I spend 90% of the time wondering if my marital status or non-motherhood status is an issue.

This is an urgent message for all religious subcultures with a non paid clergy:  

Do married women feel they are treated this way?  

Do men feel this way married or no? And to my single gals....

Do you find yourself being told to do things because you have "extra time"?

Do you receive rude emails or phone calls because someone feels they have the right to talk to you however they please?

Do you think having a husband would make people less inclined to try and boss you around?

If any of these apply you may be entitled to leave a comment and share your experiences in this blog.

Come Ye Thankful People

Lite 98 started playing Christmas music this week. I love Christmas music but their playlist is lame and repetitive. Thankfully 100.9 is proving to be a good alternative to the clear channel station.

But I digress (happens a lot).  It's too early for radio Christmas. I won't lie, I've already started to listen to some Christmas CDs on occasion, but I like to take my holidays one at a time.

I'm grateful for a season where we can stop and look at our bountious blessings. I'm grateful for the settlers of Jamestown for stopping to be appreciative for what they had (even though they did a poor job of repaying the locals who helped them survive). Learn your history America, and stop calling the pilgrims thanksgiving the first one.

That being said I'm thankful that I was a history major and got the opportunity to see what REALLY happened instead of what the media tells me.